Helping your kids prepare for success in college
Is college on the horizon for your family? Higher education can mean high anxiety.
There are significant economic and academic stressors to cope with, of course. There are standardized tests to take, essays to write, application deadlines to meet, financial aid forms to fill.
But there’s also the plain fact that going to college is a major rite of passage to adulthood, a colossal social and emotional transition in the life of a young person (and their parents).
As a parent or guardian, there are many ways that you can help your student prepare for this transition.
Let them lead
According to Megan Kennedy, director of the UW Resilience Lab, the most impactful thing you can do as a parent during this stage is to let your student lead.
Even if you tend toward the generational norms of “helicopter” (hovering) or “bulldozer” (obstacle-removing) parenting, at this stage of your child’s development, Kennedy suggests a conscious shift to a new paradigm that some call “lighthouse parenting.”
In this model, parents offer guidance, support, clarity and protection while allowing their child to grow and learn — and sometimes fail — on their own. It means being supportive and empathetic, but not coming to the rescue.
“We think we’re doing our kids a favor by getting wrapped up in everything they go through,” Kennedy says. “But actually, the opposite is true. If we give them space to solve their own problems and sometimes fail, we’re doing them a great service — even if it’s uncomfortable for us. We’re helping them develop the self-efficacy and resilience they need for adulthood.”
Learn more…
…about helping your teen prepare for college and get your questions answered at a lunchtime webinar on October 8, presented by The Whole U and UW WorkLife, featuring Melody McMillan of the Seattle Promise program.
Encourage independence
Melody McMillan, the senior executive director of the Seattle Promise program at Seattle Colleges, concurs. Learning to self-advocate is key to success in college and in life.
McMillan recommends resisting the urge to make that phone call or meet with that teacher or coach on your teen’s behalf. And she proposes adding a level of personal responsibility as a tradeoff for the autonomy they naturally desire.
“Your student is seeking more and more independence, which is normal behavior for a teenager,” she says. “And we want to give them that independence because it will help them be successful adults in the long run. But that means a certain push and pull. And parents and students need to work together in new ways.”
Adopt a new relationship
Encouraging independence does not mean letting go of the reins completely and adopting a laissez faire style sometimes called “free-range parenting.”
McMillan explains that the “push and pull” of this new way of working together means shifting your parenting role from authority to advisor, creating a safe space to air ideas and try new things.
Examples of helpful parenting in this phase include connecting your student to your network of friends and colleagues to support their exploration of different areas of study and potential careers. It could mean nudging discussion when your teen’s friends are around so that they can help each other share information along this shared journey. It could also just mean being vigilant for those moments of connection when you can get your kid to share their interests and strengths, hopes and dreams, while subtly reinforcing their sense of confidence by “affirming that you can do hard things because I’ve seen you do them before,” McMillan says. “Parents are in this cool space where we can be awkward and just own it.”
Engage in community
Another way to support your teen’s collegiate fledging is to nudge them toward engaging in various communities of interest while they are still in high school. Whether it is sports, performing arts, hobbies, student clubs or affinity groups, getting involved in collective activities is great practice for living among a community of students.
“I would encourage a student to experiment with stepping outside their comfort zone, to be curious, to introduce themselves to someone sitting next to them in class,” says Kennedy.
There are countless ways to create community, she adds. “But it usually starts with putting away their phone and looking up to make eye contact and say hello.”
Facilitate time management
From grades K-12, school and activity schedules tend to be neatly organized for students by parents, teachers and coaches. Even in high school, days can follow familiar patterns and easy-to-follow routines.
But college life is far more free form. And there’s nobody to make sure you wake up for your 8 a.m. class or show up for that horticulture club meeting.
Jannah Maresh, the director of UW Parent & Family Programs, recommends that parents begin letting students take over their own scheduling before they get to college.
Embrace emotions
Any life transition can be stressful and lonely. The transition to college, often bundled with living away from home for the first time, often intensifies these feelings.
Before they get thrown into this emotional tumult, you can help your teen form a healthier relationship with their feelings.
“Parents can help young people understand that our emotions — including anxiety, sadness and anger — are part of the normal human experience,” Kennedy says.
She emphasizes, though, that there is a big difference between experiencing intense emotions and struggling with mental health issues. If this is the case, it is important to help them connect with campus or private mental health resources.
Support curiosity
One of the major stressors in the run-up to college is the troubling duo of uncertainty and expectations. McMillan remembers being a 12th grader and “feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Here you are, maybe 17 years old, and you’re trying to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It’s a lot of pressure.”
Some young people approach their college years with a strong sense of what they want to study and do with their lives. And that’s great. But many others head into college with no such plan. And that’s okay, too.
“It’s healthy to normalize this,” Kennedy says. “College is a place to lean into academic curiosity and try new things. To be open to different ways you might learn and grow and develop and be inspired.”
Or, as McMillan adds, we can reinforce that it’s natural and even exciting to get to explore your future in college: “you don’t have to know what you want to be when you grow up.”
Explore options
While it is healthy to approach higher education as an open book, it’s also healthy to approach the various options for higher ed with an open mind. “The great thing about the American education system is you get to choose your own adventure,” McMillan says.
That might mean a large public university, a small liberal arts college, a community college or a skilled trade program. Tuition can range from $80,000+ a year (before scholarships or financial aid) at an elite private university to $0 at Seattle Colleges for those qualifying for the Seattle Promise program, which offers tuition-free education to graduates of Seattle Public Schools for up to 90 college credits in 130 programs Seattle’s three community colleges. These programs cover a vast range, spanning business, computer science, culinary arts, maritime, healthcare, aviation, IT and more.
To determine the type of institution that presents the best fit, parents and students should get together — early and often — to weigh financial costs, family savings, academic interests and possible outcomes to calculate the all-important return on investment.
“More than ever, college is a family decision,” Maresh says. “We ask our students and families to define that success for themselves and share that with each other.”
Emphasize growth
No one would argue that academic performance doesn’t matter. It certainly does, to earn a high school diploma and get into college (especially a selective one like the UW).
But Maresh believes that the transition to college should include a shifting of emphasis. That’s why the new family orientation that Parent & Family Programs presents at the UW each year includes advising, fiscal services, counseling, health, safety, housing and faculty — all the facets of campus life that support a young person’s success and growth as a whole person, not just as a student.
“It’s the amalgam of our presenters that we hope will help our families understand that what college/university is for is to lead their students to commence with their lives,” she says. “Self-worth is not defined by grades but by growth.”
It takes a village
Growth and good grades are easier to come by with the support of a community, from kindergarten to college.
“We say it takes a village,” McMillan says. “And it does, even when you’re going to college.”
While we tend to focus on the student in this equation, there’s another party that faces a momentous transition during the lead-up to college: parents.
“College is an exciting time for kids and parents, but it also can be an uncomfortable time for both because everyone is going through a transition,” Kennedy says. “There’s something to be said for preparing yourself to handle that distance. Because it’s a different phase of parenting.”
In this preparation to empty the nest, parents could use a village, too.
McMillan fantasizes about forming a program like the Seattle-based PEPS — which groups parents of newborns for mutual support — to serve the emotional needs of parents in a different transitional phase of their lives. “We could really use a PEPS,” she says, “for parents of kids heading to college.”
Resources
UW Parent & Family Guide – a compendium of useful information for new Huskies, but including tips on finding community, exploring majors, health and safety, finances and more that could extend to any college experience.
Talk With Your Husky – a guide to productive conversations that can help your student get a successful start in higher-education, with pre-college prompts on staying connected, finances and forms, life skills and physical and mental health, among other topics.
First Years Away from Home – a parent and caregiving handbook covering relevant topics ranging from the young adult brain to values to the parental role in the transition to adulthood.
Huddle Up with UW Counseling Center – a podcast discussing many of the above topics with Dr. Mehvash Ali from the UW Counseling Center.
First Generation Families – a guide to the support systems and resources available to first-generation students at the UW.
UW Resilience Lab – promoting well-being at the University of Washington through research, education and strategic programs and initiatives.
Seattle Promise – a program providing tuition free education and mentorship to graduates of Seattle Public Schools for up to 90 college credits in 130 programs at North Seattle College, Seattle Central College or South Seattle College.