Parenting with Temperament in Mind: Understanding Your Child’s Unique Temperament
Have you ever wondered why the parenting advice that worked wonders for your friend’s child falls completely flat with yours? Or why one of your children responds beautifully to gentle guidance while another seems to need a completely different approach? According to psychology experts Dr. Liliana Lengua and Dr. Maria Masha Gartstein, understanding your child’s innate temperament is the answer.
In their illuminating book talk on “Parenting with Temperament in Mind,” these authors and child psychology experts share a game-changing perspective: effective parenting is not one-size-fits-all because every child has unique neurobiological wiring.
The Science Behind Your Child’s Behavior
At the heart of their approach is a modern understanding of temperament rooted in neurobiology. Far from just labeling children as “difficult” or “easy,” this model recognizes that a child’s behavioral tendencies stem from two key brain systems:
- The Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS): This “caution system” is linked to the right frontal region of the brain. Children with a highly active BIS tend to be more fearful, cautious, and sensitive to potential threats. They’re your careful observers who may hang back at social events or resist new experiences.
- The Behavioral Activation System (BAS): This “approach system” is associated with the left frontal region. Children with a highly active BAS are reward-oriented and enthusiastic about new experiences, but they may also be more easily frustrated when goals are blocked.
Understanding whether your child leans more toward BIS or BAS can transform how you approach parenting challenges.
Three Common Temperament Profiles and How to Parent Them
The Fearful Child (High BIS)
These children might appear shy, anxious, or even oppositional when faced with situations that trigger their fear response. While these tendencies can present challenges, these kids are often sensitive, compliant, and less likely to engage in risky behaviors.
Effective strategies include:
- Balancing sensitivity with gentle encouragement
- Creating small, manageable exposures to feared situations
- Using calm reasoning rather than pressure
- Avoiding overprotection that can prevent them from developing coping skills
The Easily Frustrated Child (High BAS)
When these reward-sensitive children encounter obstacles, watch out! Their strong approach motivation can quickly turn to anger when blocked, leading to tense exchanges and oppositional behavior.
What works well:
- Building a warm, positive relationship
- Staying calm during emotional outbursts
- Maintaining clear, consistent boundaries
- Using positive reinforcement much more frequently than punishment
- Saving teaching moments for calm periods
The Impulsive Child (High BAS)
These energetic, action-oriented children seem to forget rules from one moment to the next, leaving parents exhausted from constant reminders. They’re not deliberately disobeying—their brain is simply wired for action over reflection.
Game-changing approaches:
- Being “quick” with guidance before behavior escalates
- Using brief cue words instead of lengthy explanations
- Creating visual reminders for expected behaviors
- Building consistency into daily routines
- Emphasizing rewards over consequences
The Four Core Principles for Any Temperament
Regardless of your child’s unique wiring, Drs. Lengua and Gartstein emphasize four fundamental principles:
Be Present: Practice mindfulness to manage your own emotions during challenging moments
Be Warm: Foster a positive, accepting relationship as your foundation
Be Balanced: Provide appropriate structure while allowing independence
Be Consistent: Create clear expectations and follow through reliably
Beyond the Basics: Important Insights for Parents
Most children exhibit both BIS and BAS characteristics depending on circumstances, with temperament creating a “window” of typical behaviors rather than fixed traits. For children under 5, parents should distinguish between normal developmental frustration and the disproportionate reactions that signal temperament differences requiring specialized approaches—while remembering that even easy-going children struggle when tired or hungry!
Parenting strategies must evolve as your child develops, with approaches shifting from infancy through adolescence. Today’s behavioral challenges aren’t necessarily worse than previous generations—just different due to technology, social media, and changing cultural values. Despite these modern complications, real-world social interaction remains essential.
If you missed the live webinar or would like to review the content, a recording is available on The Whole U’s YouTube.
Parenting With Self-Compassion
Perhaps most importantly, Drs. Lengua and Gartstein emphasize parenting a child with challenging temperament characteristics requires self-care. You can approach challenges with greater patience and creativity when you understand that your child’s behavior isn’t a reflection of your parenting skills but rather their innate neurobiological wiring.
By becoming an expert on your unique child rather than following generic advice, you can develop parenting strategies that work with—rather than against—your child’s natural tendencies.
Remember: It’s not about changing who your child is fundamentally but about giving them the tools to harness their temperament’s strengths while managing its challenges.